Major Conundrum: A Puzzle Requiring Much Thought

Human beings go through life trying to solve many puzzles.  One of the greatest and most frustrating puzzle is often the individual trying to solve it.

I have been trying to figure out what to do with my life for a long time.  There are many methods I've employed towards this aim.  One method I have employed is taking personality tests to determine letter codes that describe me.  Then, I analyze the majors and jobs that these letter codes correspond to and try to narrow my focus down to a handful of options.  Another method I have employed is the all-popular trial and error method.  Basically, I've just chosen a potential idea for a major and tried a couple classes to see how I fare and if I would remotely like or succeed at it.  Another method I have tried is talking my options out with family members.  Another method I've tried is making lists of the course requirements a handful of options would require, counting the number of credits and semesters, and trying to determine the shortest time frame-holding goal.

Ultimately, these methods are not eliminating my confusion entirely.  I just keep thinking about it and thinking about it. Even though I've analyzed my options to death, it doesn't automatically illuminate the wisest path for my future.  I can say, however, that I have learned some things so far.  I feel disconnected with the 2nd major I have been attempting, civil engineering.  I feel like civil engineering doesn't suit my personality.  I also determined that construction management, although fascinating, didn't interest me enough to pursue it beyond the first introductory course.  I also learned that accounting is not for me and would take too long to pursue as a 2nd major by this point in my academic career.  Lastly, I learned that teaching middle school and high school, while altruistic in nature, will likely make me go mad due to the behavioral conduct of the pupils towards substitutes.

Thus, I acknowledge that I am still confused about what exactly I should do.  I earned an average grade in C++ programming.  Although I thought I was going to fail my fundamentals of logic design class the entire semester, I ended up getting an A.  As such, I feel wary of continuing the computer science route.  I feel like my odds of succeeding are shaky.  Yet, considering RIASEC testing, the computer science major would combine my two primary personality letters  (I and C).  The two other major options that combine these two letter codes (I and C) in the book I was reading for Xmas are Pharmacy and Actuarial Science.  

Considering the Myers-Briggs test, I am an INTJ personality type.  Based on this type, there is a list of popular occupations.  On this list, there are different types of engineers listed.  These types include: nuclear engineer, petroleum engineer, materials engineer, and computer hardware engineer.  Also, to my surprise, actuary is listed on this popular job list.  The terms researcher and scientist are also common words found on this list of jobs.  Thus, perhaps computer science is still worth pursuing.  Also, perhaps actuarial and statistics classes should be taken.  There is also the option of pursuing a different type of engineering on the table.  It is also noted that civil engineering technician is found on the least popular job list for INTJ personalities.

As such, I again say that I am an analytical thinker.  The above analysis reflects this tendency of mine by explaining what I, in fact, think about the results of the tests I take.  Given that I already have a general mathematics degree, actuarial science might be a viable road to pursue.  Given that I have been working on general engineering requirements, it might be possible to pursue a different engineering field without dying.  I have looked up pharmacy school requirements before.  These requirements looked rather intense and time-consuming.  Yet, the drug industry is a fairly stable industry to pursue if I end up taking that route.

Thus, short-term goals include:

- Look up UNLV course requirements for Chemical Engineering program 

(if there is one - it's possible that I looked it up some time ago and forewent it because it didn't exist)

- Consider lists I've already made for civil engineering, engineering science minor, computer science, and chemistry

- Look up UNLV course requirements for Biochemistry program (again, if it exists)

- Find list of actuarial science minor requirements I wrote up some time ago

- Look up actuary job requirements on USAjobs.gov

- Possibly call and ask insurance company about requirements to become actuary

- Set up appointments with advisor and career center if I am still not sure what I want to do

- Register for spring semester classes

The moral is: Everybody is trying to figure out what the wisest choices are in life.  Thus, there is no need to fret if we don't know what our purposes are yet.  Although Joan of Arc was a martyr who suffered like most human beings throughout her life, she was lucky to know what her purpose was as God's messenger.  Not everyone is illuminated right away with the knowledge of their greater purpose in life.  Yet, even the small roles we play can matter greatly to someone else.  Thus, not knowing the answer regarding individual purpose and the journey made to find it are all part of the human experience.  

If this fact stinks to us humans, then we can always wish to be reincarnated as noble plants who change carbon dioxide and water to oxygen and glucose (propagating both individual plant survival and the survival of species requiring oxygen in respiration), noble plants who serve as a food source (for animals both large like humans and small like insects), and noble plants that can now act as the first line of defense against explosives (plant bomb squads).

To Speak Or Not To Speak: Courtesy Versus Sanity

Sometimes, being soft is just as important as being tough. Some trees bend and survive for decades because they are a little soft and can adapt to their environment. Other trees experience one strong storm and break because they are too tough, spewing a million jagged splinters everywhere. The tough tree might go out in a blaze of glory, but it might be a short excuse for a life.

Sometimes, it is best to remain silent, despite flooding emotions. Words spoken or written in haste sometimes hurt others unintentionally.

Sometimes, it is hard to voice an opinion because it will not be well-received. Yet, holding a voice inside often increases stress.

I think some hindrances were put into my life to drive me mad. I keep having to hold my tongue when I feel bad about things and I keep being told to suck it up, but that just seems wrong to me.  

Why would the universe have given humans the ability to speak, if we were not intended to speak? Why would we be able to speak, if we weren't meant to speak and meant to even speak up for ourselves?

I just don't get it. How is anyone supposed to have an opinion, when everyone is telling everyone else constantly to shut up? How is anyone supposed to have an opinion, when common courtesy dictates that we have to raise consideration for other people's feelings above our need to vent?

I'm human! I'm not always nice. I'm not always rational. I'm not always happy with what is going on around me. I can try to behave and act civil, but that doesn't mean I don't think differently than how I act.  

That being said, I'm a very sensitive person to what others say to me. Thus, I understand why people are sometimes sensitive. And I would rather if people around me would keep their negative opinions to themselves and/or locked away securely in diaries I will ideally never see.

I feel like life is full of crazy conundrums like this one of upholding courtesy versus trying to retain sanity. I used to be able to uphold courtesy without losing my mind, but everyone has a limit. I can't hold my tongue anymore. I might have to resume my private journal as well as this blog to handle all of life's little aggravations. I will try to retain my sanity because without my sanity, I will have internal anarchy and will likely spontaneously combust.

Halloween 2011: How A Nerd Spends Halloween

Part of the reason I know I'm a nerd is acknowledging how I decided to spend my Halloween night this year.  I was nominated for candy duty, but I had a lab report and prelab writeup due the next day.  Thus, I totally set up my laptop outside on a little table next to the bowl of candy.  I looked up a Halloween playlist from www.youtube.com and listened to Monster Mash and various other Halloween songs while I worked on my lab report.  I made the best of the situation.  After handing out candy until 8 pm, I went inside to watch How I Met Your Mother.  Then, I proceeded to work on my prelab writeup indoors.

The silly thing about this is that I had fun, singing along to Halloween tunes and working on a lab report.  I'm so nerdy that it shows in everything I do.  It was so much fun to experience Halloween this way.

However, I really do need to hone my pumpkin-carving skills for next year because my pumpkin was falling apart after I carved it.  I also acknowledge that I probably need to wait and carve it the night before.  I carved it three days before this year and it was starting to look less than optimal on Halloween night.  To be fair, the weather has been rather unusual this year.  So perhaps this is just an issue to acknowledge for this year.

Jerry Orbach: More Than Meets The Ear

Due to ABC Family showing Disney's Beauty and the Beast and Disney's Aladdin on a repetitive basis, I found myself going to imdb.com to read the names of the voice actors for the different characters.  Most of the actor identifications seemed reasonable to me.  Yet, there was one character whose human counterpart's name I was very amazed at reading.  This character was Lumiere, the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.  I was taken aback to find that Jerry Orbach, an actor from Law & Order and/or the father character from Dirty Dancing, provided that voice to that epic Disney film.

This above picture is from the following website: http://beautybeast.enchanted-rose.org/beautybeast+cast.php

The title of the webpage is "Tale As Old As Time 1991-2011" and it is a fansite for this amazing movie.

Jerry Orbach seemed to me to have a very deep manly voice and a serious manner in his live-action roles, so finding that he had played a lighthearted flirtatious French candlestick really made me think, "What?"  I was also very sad to read on imdb.com that this actor had died in the year 2004 (imdb.com).  After I accepted that Orbach had such amazing talents in voice acting, I felt it was even more of a shame that he died.

However, in truth, there are many actors that die and many people are not introduced to their talent until they have already left this plane of existence.  As such, I want to acknowledge that Jerry Orbach had vast voice acting skills beyond anything I imagined.  Not only was Jerry Orbach an impactful character on the series Law & Order and in the movie Dirty Dancing, but he could play silly animated characters.  He was a versatile actor and I am impressed by this talent.  

RIP Jerry Orbach.

For more information on Jerry Orbach, refer to the aforementioned Internet Movie Database Webpage (imdb.com) for Jerry Orbach: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001583/  

Periwinkle Picture in November 2011

I took pictures of my periwinkle plants today.  I figured it might be a good day for a photo shoot, since the weather is changing to reflect winter.  My favorite photo today is this one:

The reason I like this photo best is that the water reflects well on the ground to compliment the flower.  There is also nice framing with its mother plant on the left and the weeds on the right side of the shot.  Lastly and most importantly, the petals are in focus and the flower is the star of the picture.

I am not a professional photographer, but I can definitely appreciate a beautiful plant or landscape picture.  This picture is awesome!!  I'm just glad that I managed to keep these plants alive for so long, given that winter approacheth.  As I've quoted on Facebook as well: "Jack Frost could murder them any day now!!"  That is one of the consequences of winter: death of the flowers (well, for the ones that aren't biennials).  Biennials come back to life, like Jesus or chipmunks kept at low temperatures (saw the chipmunks on Nova).

An Unforgettable Halloween

In honor of Halloween, I thought I'd post an old story I wrote that was published in the Keller Middle School Literary Magazine 2000 in the year 2000.

An Unforgettable Halloween

Once upon a time on All Hallow's Eve in Autumn, Montana, a boy named Johnny Bumpkin did something he would soon regret.  After school that day, he was walking home with his best friend Ted Thompson.  Johnny and Ted had been talking about Ms. Agatha Potter.  Ms. Agatha Potter was considered the weirdest person on the block.  Many people thought she was a witch.  As Johnny and Ted were coming close to her house, Ted dared Johnny to stomp all over Ms. Potter's, soon-to-be, prize-winning Texas roses.  To look cool, Johnny accepted the challenge, even though he was really scared out of his wits.  Johnny casually walking into Ms. Potter's rose garden and squished them into moondust.  Johnny left Ms. Potter's rose garden and walked Ted to his house.  When he was out of Ted's eyesight, he ran all the way home.  He figured it would be the safest place to be.

When Ms. Potter got home, she was both heartbroken and furious.  She was heartbroken because she had spent almost all of her time working to make her precious roses perfect for the Annual Montana Fall Festival. She is known for her exquisite roses in every festival she enters.  Agatha was born in Texas.  She was a natural grower.  She was the green thumb of her family.  Agatha always enters Texas roses rather than any other type to honor her birthplace.  She had been living in Montana for five years now.  Even when she moved here, her legacy as a skilled rose-grower followed her.

Ms. Potter had a feeling that it had been a child who had killed her radiant roses, so she put a curse on her Halloween candy.  Here's how it goes:

Candy of mine,
Make the child who killed my roses come near,
If he doesn't come willingly,
Make him something people will fear.
When he starts to act like a spoiled brat,
Make him something orange and fat.
Start this curse when he eats,
One of my scrumptious sweets.

Johnny sort of felt bad for what he had done to Ms. Potter's rose garden, but he knew apologizing would ruin his reputation.  Johnny didn't ever want to come face to face with Ms. Potter.  He was totally scared of the lady.  If she ever found out he had ruined her roses, he was afraid of what she would do to him.  Before Johnny's parents got divorced, he never would have even dared to enter Ms. Potter's garden.  Nowadays he doesn't really care about being the perfect child.  His parents were both too busy to acknowledge him at all.  Johnny lives with his mother, who is a journalist.  She is a very well-known one.  His father lives in Helena, Montana and hardly gets to see Johnny.  He's an architect.  Everyone there loves his work.  Johnny felt neglected and unloved by his parents.  Johnny considered Ted his family.  Ted was always there to support him and give him advice, like a parent.  Ted was always fun to hang out with, like the brother he never had.

When Halloween came around, Johnny was hoping for tons of candy.  He planned to go trick-or-treating with Ted and some other cool boys.  Johnny had decided to dress up like a ghost.  Well, his friends came over around 5:00 P.M. to pick him up.  Johnny wanted to avoid Ms. Potter's house, but his friends wanted to see what kinds of candy she gave out.  "Trick or treat!" said Johnny and his friends.  "Oh, what spooky looking costumes!" said Ms. Potter.  At about 8:00 P.M., Johnny arrived home.  Johnny planned to spend the rest of his evening watching scary movies.  Since his mother was home, he had her check his candy bucket before he dug in.  She only found a couple of things, and then gave Johnny back his candy bucket.  He started to eat his candy piece by piece.  Soon he got to a certain scrumptious-looking one.  He gobbled it up and absolutely loved it.  Suddenly he started acting spoiled rotten.  Then, Johnny felt weird.  He started transforming into a Pumpkin Monster.  He suddenly heard Ms. Potter's voice:

"Johnny Bumpkin turned into a pumpkin on Halloween night.
He went around terrorizing things.  Oh, what a fright!"

Johnny's hair turned green, representing a pumpkin stem.  His body became plump and orange like a pumpkin.  His arms, legs, hands, and feed turned green, but he still had tennis shoes on.  Due to the fact that he had to become something people would fear, his pumpkin face became scary and fierce.

He was drawn to Ms. Potter's house by some strange force.  He didn't want to go, but he had no choice.  Johnny was at her mercy.  She asked Johnny why he had squished her roses.  Johnny replied, "I wanted to show my best friend, Ted, that I wasn't afraid of going into your garden.  He dared me to squish your roses, so I did."  "If you make up an appropriate apology, I shall change you back to your normal self," said Ms. Potter.  It took Johnny a long time to get it just right.  It went something like this:

I must apologize for what I've done.
I must admit it wasn't that fun.
Your roses were your pride and joy.
I shouldn't have treated them like toys.
I've tried my best to show you I care,
But I know what I did was not fair.
I shall stay like this if you like.
You can even keep me as a pet named Spike.
I just wanted you to know,
How sorry I feel, so
Do what you must.
Just don't put me in a pie crust.



Johnny's parents began to pay more attention to him after he and Ms. Potter had won the flower competition in the Annual Montana Fall Festival.  Johnny started to feel like he was part of a real family, even though his parents were divorced.  Ted and Johnny remained best buds, but Johnny began to go to his parents for some answers instead of Ted.

Proposal For Love Rehabilitation Facilities

Communication is a funny thing.  It's interesting how life throws stressful situations at you and it makes your body systems go haywire.  It is like the universe is saying something needs to be different in your life.

Sometimes what we want to say has very simple words, but emotions flood and all we can do is yell or string a bunch of irrational words together.  Sometimes we cannot communicate our true feelings because the stress of rejection is hanging above our heads.  We're afraid of the truth because if it is anything different than what we need it to be, we are afraid that our hearts will break and we will die.  

We're also afraid that if the truth is what we need it to be, we will have to break down the walls we've been surrounding ourselves with for years.  We will have to let someone into our fortress and we're afraid that if things don't work out, we will also die.  Only this death will be worse because we might have to start over on building the walls and we'll be left unprotected facing our sorrow with no barriers.

Love is praised as such a wonderful splendid thing.  Yet, love can also kill you.  It can break you down and drive you mad.  One-sided love without reciprocation can break a heart.  Two-sided love that doesn't work out can break two hearts.  Friends moving away or friendships ending can make one's heart sad.  Therefore, love is a dangerous business.  Unless love is successful, there are so many ways in which love can harm or kill you.

Love is a silent killer.  It is silent in that sometimes love seems foolish and you feel compelled to hold that hurt inside because you wonder if it was even reasonable to have the feelings you had for someone who wasn't yours.  


It is also silent because love is experienced by individuals in different ways.  We can only know our own experience of love through how we feel inside.  The only one who can experience your breed of butterflies is yourself.

As such, love is a secret to every person.  In some sense, love is a solitary experience that might be mutual between a couple and manifests itself inside them in different ways.

In conclusion, love is not a cut and dry issue.  Love can be wonderful, but it can also be painful and disappointing.  

Love can hinder communication and make rational people irrational.  

I believe there should be Love Rehabilitation Facilities where one can get some therapy, self-esteem training, and daily hugs to get them through their mourning period after love has gone bad.  Let's face it.  Love can turn people crazy and the crazy deserve assistance so they can resume being functional members of society.

Pumpkin Carols to Sing This Holiday Season: Courtesy of Charles Schulz

Near the beginning of October, I had watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and I caught this casual question posed by Linus Van Pelt.  He asked innocently, "Have you come to sing pumpkin carols?" After hearing this quote, I started to feel, in the words of Sally Brown, "robbed" because they do not sing pumpkin carols in the Halloween special.  Today, I looked up these so-called Pumpkin Carols on the internet and found out that there was in fact a book of Pumpkin Carols that Schulz wrote based off the tunes of classic Christmas Carols.

My personal favorite carol is "The 12 Days of Halloween".  It's awesome.  I kept trying to type in my blog the explanation for this preference, but it's not saving.  Technical difficulties, I suppose.  Briefly: giving sacrifices of trick-or-treaters seems gruesome and love it, owls are trendy because of Harry Potter.  I thought Schulz could have incorporated the kite-eating tree as a demonic undead tree instead of any old, dead tree.  However, it is definitely awesome in its original vernacular.

Lyrics can be found on this website: http://www.nationallonghouse.org/Resources/Songs/Sg-hallo.html

I realize that Halloween is less commercial than the other holidays.  However, that does not prevent us from embracing The Great Pumpkin all year round.  Please keep Pumpkin Carols in mind for this short Halloween season.

May your pumpkin patch be most sincere.  May your Sweet Babboo offer to sit in a cold pumpkin patch all night watching for The Great Pumpkin with you!! That's dedication! That's sincerity! That's love!  All Hail The Great Pumpkin!!

Passion Required For Greatness

Perhaps, I keep struggling with classes because I don't have a passion for them.  I feel like I need passion for something in order to excel at it.  I keep running into hiccups when I hit a class that I don't understand and don't want to understand.  It feels like my brain puts up a wall and it keeps going blank when I try to practice.  It's like my brain is saying, "Hey! I don't want to learn that! I'm not passionate about that.  Why waste brain cells on a class I'm not passionate about?"

Granted, this has hit me for a few classes over the years.  Sometimes, I've wondered if my mind is blocking me from the paths that aren't in line with my calling.  I have always wanted to be a writer.  Writing is what I'm passionate about, but it seems like a difficult profession to enter.  I submitted a story to a writing contest and it didn't win.  I suspect it didn't win because it didn't necessarily fall into a specific genre.  I kept wondering what sort of magazine or contest I should submit it to, because it was a science fiction-feminist hybrid.  Since I couldn't figure out what to do with it, I posted it on my blog.  I'm interested in pursuing writing as a profession, but I generally don't know what to do with the material once I've written it.

I can write, Step A, but not knowing where to send it, Step B, and actually sending it somewhere, Step C, keeps me from being able to pursue a career in writing.  Perhaps it is a matter of knowing the write people and getting an editing position in the publishing industry first like in The Proposal.  Then, perhaps I can find my own Ryan Reynolds to bribe into marrying me.  Needless to say, I love The Proposal.  I probably like it so much because it focuses a bit on the publishing industry, which I suspect is the industry for me.

To conclude: Without passion for a subject, it is hard to convince the brain to learn course material.  I feel passionate about writing, but I don't know what to do with my material.  Lastly, I might want to try to get my foot in the door in the publishing industry as a stepping stone to my dream of being a writer one day.  This might be a smart path to take.

There's always hope that my brain will thaw and I'll be able to pull my grade up in my logic design class, but I find myself concerned with the state of my mind at the moment.

Brain Was Fried, So I Thought I Should Blog

I'm starting to think I'm broken.  I noticed back during the last half of my first round of undergraduate education that I would get really stressed out by my schoolwork.  And when I got stressed out about my schoolwork, I'd have health issues ranging from unexplained muscular pain, to migraines, and to digestive upset.

As the years have gone on, I keep noticing this continual pattern.  I'll try a challenging class that requires me to put a lot of work into it and my health will go sour.  I've noticed for a few of these classes, I even try to work on my work and can't because my mind goes blank on multiple occasions.  I keep trying, and trying, and trying.  But my brain feels fried.  Sometimes it feels like my brain is processing so hard that smoke could literally come out of my ears.  It wouldn't even surprise me if my head exploded one of these days.

It feels like a no-win situation.  When I work as hard as I need to in order to do well in these classes, I run myself into the ground.  When I try not to get as stressed out about it, I fail them and my health isn't as bad.  Yet, failure is never desirable.

I keep wondering if all of the turmoil I'm going through is worth it.  I keep wondering if my brain is done.  I dream about going back to high school when I'm already finished with high school and I end up taking classes.  It seems like my subconscious is trying to tell me that this college-going is ridiculous.

I mean, I can't say this brain freezing has only happened once or twice.  It keeps happening over and over again.  I notice that when I'm not in school, I'm less stressed out.  But it's not like there's a choice these days: Young people have to be full-time students or else face the wrath of looming loan payments.  The only way to keep all the loans at bay is to stay in school and suffer through the carnage of brain death.

In any case, I keep wondering what I'm supposed to do when my brain goes on strike.  I can't force it to work if it's being stubborn (at least, not on classwork...seems to be blogging just fine).  All I can do is try to do the best I can.  Perhaps, it would be in my best interest to job hunt more frequently and try to find a way out of The Big University (aka Prison).  But I'm not sure if I'm ready to break out of Alcatraz just yet. 

I'll just keep thinking about these things and notice the patterns.  I'd like to be happy and I get the impression that school stress is hindering my health and my chances at happiness.  Thus, I often consider quitting for my sanity.  Yet, I have yet to do so completely.  I would like to have a contingency plan in place first before I jump the scholarly ship.  It's rarely good to quit anything before you have something else lined up, despite the allure of freedom.

Book Review: Sex on Six Legs

I've been reading this informative insect book that talks about DNA, gender roles, and various other snid-bits about insect life.  It is called Sex on Six Legs: Lessons on Life, Love, and Language From the Insect World and it is written by Marlene Zuk (a biology professor from the University of California, Riverside) in 2011.

I have found this book exceedingly informative and it broadened my perspective on many levels.  I didn't realize that humans had such boring biological processes until after I read about the biological processes of insects.

Specifically, I found it fascinating that female insects can do so much in the control of pregnancy.  When female insects are mistreated in mating or do not feel the male would help create robust offspring, some female insects are capable of ejecting the male insects sperm (Zuk p.120).  Wouldn't that be a cool trick if human women could do that? It would save women from getting pregnant by losers or undesirable partners.  It would also eliminate the controversial issue of abortion altogether.  Take that, Abortion!

Also, some female insects can attack unwanted sperm with spermicide once it enters their system (Zuk p. 125).  That would be a wonderful skill to have in human females as well.  It might also be a way to secretly deal with anger issues against men with the men being none the wiser.  Die, Sperm, die! It's okay if he pisses me off.  I'll just kill his sperm.

I also found it fascinating that male insect sperm is more complex and diverse than male human sperm.  There are male insects that have multiple types of sperm (Zuk p. 121-126).  There are some insects that have fake sperm that serve as shields once in the female's system (Zuk p. 124-126).  These decoys take the blast of female insect spermicide preserving the insect's real sperm from sudden death (Zuk p. 124-125).  Furthermore, insect sperm can take on a more hardcore menacing appearance in its battle against other male insect sperm (Zuk p.122).  Some insect sperm have spikes and hooks in order to fight other insect sperm in aims of destroying the competition (Zuk p. 122).  This makes me picture medieval battles with spiky clubs, shields, and swords.

There are also common misperceptions about insect gender roles.  Apparently, many people are under the impression that worker ants and soldier ants are male ants.  When, in fact, that role goes to the female ants (Zuk p. 95).  That's right.  That means that those scary looking soldier ants with pincers on the end of their jaws that are so effective at fighting are the female ants, not the male ants (Zuk p. 95).  Furthermore, the worker ants are female ants and not the male ants either (Zuk p. 95).  That's right.  That means that all this nonsense about how human men are supposed to work and the human women have to stay home has some biological evidence against it.  Since other animals function better by the juxtaposition of the aforementioned gender roles (specifically ants, which are practically the most efficient insects alive), it stands to reason that gender roles might be more effective if they were reversed.  Ants are more enlightened than humans in this respect.

Another thing I learned from this book was that female insects can have more independence regarding reproduction.  When female ants lay eggs, they do not need a male ant to fertilize their eggs (Zuk p. 194).  In fact, if the female ant just lays eggs, those ants will hatch as male ants without fertilization (Zuk p. 194).  If a female ant is able to mate, she can choose which of her eggs to fertilize and which eggs not to fertilize.  This means the female ant has control over whether her offspring are male ants or female ants.  Plus, female ants can store the male's sperm for long periods of time and still fertilize the eggs with it later (Zuk p. 122).  This means, that she can control when she fertilizes her eggs.  This would be a cool skill to have for human women.  This would leave the guesswork out of what gender baby the couple was having.  The human woman would know exactly what she was having because she decided and controlled the gender herself.

There are downsides to being a female ant, though.  If the female worker ant wants to lay eggs, she sometimes cannot get away with it because her sister ants will attack her (Zuk p. 194-196).  It depends on how strict the ant colony is about having other eggs in the ant hill.  If the ant species is strict, sister ants will smell when a specific female ant is about to lay eggs who isn't the queen, attack, and that's the end of that ant dream.  If the ant species is less strict, some female worker ants are able to lay eggs producing sons (Zuk p. 194-195).

There was so much interesting material shown in this book about the various insects.  I found it fascinating that there were such bugs that I had never heard of like the squash bee and the bullet ant.  Furthermore, there were insects with androgynous appearances for mating like dragonflies (Zuk p. 132).  I couldn't cover all of the interesting stuff in this book if I tried.

In any case, I highly recommend this book if you like reading about DNA and insects.  I found it a very fascinating read.  There was some technical jargon at parts of it, so if you would rather not have to focus on the terminology, perhaps you should steer clear and look for a fiction book instead.  I didn't mind reading the species names of the various insects and reading about the chemicals in DNA, but I'm a self-proclaimed nerd and love this stuff.

In the end, I feel a sense of empowerment after reading about the employment opportunities and reproductive independence of female insects.  It is nice to know that there are insect species that do not keep the women down, undervaluing their skills and talents in aims of promoting outdated stereotypes.  Granted, insects have been around longer than humans.  As such, perhaps we women can take solace in the notion that in a billion years, things might be different.

Thought Question: Zuk brought up the idea that football represents the battle of competing sperm to fertilization (Zuk p. 111).  I had never thought of it that way before.  
My question for you: Does this subliminal representation have anything to do with why men tend to love watching football so much?  Think about it. 

Work Cited

Zuk, Marlene. Sex on Six Legs: Lessons on Life, Love, and Language From the Insect World. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. 2011. Print.

Similarities Between Medea and the Evil Queen in Little Snow-White

A short time ago, I finished reading The Medea by Euripides.  I had read it a long time ago, but it had a different ring to it with life's growing experience.  When one has felt inner rage from the choices of men to pursue other women, it leads to sympathy for the vengeful female character of Medea.  It seems so despicable that a husband should discard his wife in aims of the high standard of living provided by a new royal wife.  Jason had forsaken Medea to better his position in society and it seems like an insult to injury that he should marry another woman in those pursuits.  By present society's standards, this is an ironic play of gender roles.  This is ironic because often today women are criticized for being gold-diggers, only out for a high standard of living and riches.  In this play, this stereotype is flipped around and represented by the male character Jason.

Even though Jason argues to Medea that he was just choosing to marry a different lady in royalty to help her and his children, the reader is made skeptical of whether what he said was indeed true or just a ploy to stay in Medea's good graces.  Given the history that Jason went behind Medea's back and did not consult her in his decision to pursue a royal marriage, it makes his behavior seem underhanded and his word loses merit.  Additionally, considering Medea's actions to save Jason in his endeavor to obtain the Golden Fleece, it makes the audience wonder if Jason only married Medea out of a sense of obligation in the first place.

I also realized that there were aspects of The Medea that were strikingly similar to the Little Snow-White tale by the Grimm Brothers.  These aspects were especially apparent in the methods of murder employed.  Both tales utilized the method of poison for a scornful woman to injure her enemies.  Both Medea and the Evil Queen took matters in their own hands by sending ignorant women gifts in guise of harmless messengers.  In Little Snow-White, the Evil Queen disguised herself as an old woman selling wares.  In The Medea, Medea sent her children bearing the poisoned gifts.  The old look feeble and weak, so are not perceived as threatening.  The young look innocent and unburdened by the troubles of life, so are also not perceived as threatening.

Both Medea and the Evil Queen were fueled by anger and jealousy.  Medea was mad that Jason had taken to a new bed.  She felt that by Jason taking a new wife, he was insulting the wedding vows they had made together when him and Medea had married.  She felt that she had acted deplorably in order to ease his mind's troubles by killing members of her family and tricking others to do the same.  Medea was also jealous that Jason would be with another when she was still around.  She wanted Jason for herself and the state of things was driving her mad.

On the other hand, the Evil Queen was mostly jealous that Snow-White was prettier than her and angry that her efforts to kill Snow-White kept being thwarted by others.  First, her murder plans were thwarted by a weak minion in the huntsman.  To add insult to injury, the huntsman effectively tricked her by bringing her boar organs instead of human ones as proof of Snow-White's demise.  Then, there were those infernal dwarfs who kept reviving her rival over and over again.

When you look at it, Medea was a more effective murderess.  She only had to send gifts once to kill off her targets.  The Evil Queen was sloppy and kept having to go back to kill her target over and over again.  In the end, she ended up having to dance herself to death in hot shoes (literally hot).  Yet, Medea managed to get away with a dragon-drawn chariot.

Getting back to the similarities: Not only were the motives for murder similar between the murderesses, but so were the means.  In The Medea, Medea sent a poisoned dress and a poisoned tiara.  In Little Snow-White, the Evil Queen sent bodice lace and a poisoned comb.  A poisoned dress and bodice lace are similar in that both are made of fabric and are made to wrap around the body.  In The Medea, there is added similarity because the dress is described as "fastening on the unhappy girl's fine flesh" (Euripides line 1163) which is similar to the tight bodice lace that the dwarfs had to cut off Snow-White to restore her ability to breath.  Both tiaras and combs go on the head and touch the hair.  Further, both the comb and tiara were poisoned in the tales.  Thus, the similarity between the murder weapons of the Evil Queen and Medea is assured.

As such, I'm fairly certain that the Grimm Brothers were inspired by Medea when they wrote Little Snow-White.  Even so, both stories have their differences and stand alone as being fine pieces of literature wrought with creativity.  Therefore, it is good to remember literary works of old and make comparisons with newer works.  The reflection of how works were derived often expands our knowledge and perspective on how connected societal beliefs can shape literature.  Past literature influences future literature, leading to enhancement when used correctly.

Little Snow-White can be read on http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/grimm053.html.
The Medea I read was translated by Rex Warner, but a different translation can be read on http://classics.mit.edu/Euripides/medea.html.

Advice, Mental Frame of Time, Dante, and Lumberjack Pants

Two days before my birthday this year, my dad gave me a very wise piece of advice.  He said that I should worry about myself and not worry about other people.  He said that worrying about other people does not do me any good.

People will do what they want to do.  I can't make someone act how I want them to act or make other people make the best decisions.  In fact, I cannot know what the best decision is for someone else.  Everyone has different values, needs, and whatnot that I can't possibly know.  The only person I can know completely is myself.

As such, I will keep trying to put my life together.  Maybe if I fix it up to a point of at least semi-satisfaction, then I'll feel better about myself and other aspects of life (like love and sanity) will fall into place.  

I have also read somewhere that people tend to focus on the past and future and less so on the present.  Given this belief that, "if I fix my life, the future will be brighter" is living in the future.  There have been countless works suggesting that living in the present moment is an art and provides more happiness than dwelling on the past and continuing to say internally that, "life will be better when this or that happens".  

Yet, reflection on a person's experience in life is inevitable for everyone.  Nobody can be desensitized to everything around them and expect to move forward with the same benefits that past experience can offer like the learning of life lessons through mistakes, obstacles, and great victory.  

And how can one not wonder at the prosperity of the future?  For some people, it's this hope for a better future that gets them through their day.  People want their hard work and sustained efforts to be rewarded.  Nobody wants to suffer over and over again as if they were in one of Dante's Infernal Circles of Hell.  (Well, maybe there are some people who would like that.  Controllable fantasies aside, people do not want pain unless there is a gain to be had from such endurance.)

As such, everyone just keeps moving forward in hopes that things will work out.  Some might look to a Lord of some kind.  Others might just sharpen their saw and put on their Lumberjack pants.  But we're all living life to the best of our ability and in the ways that speak to us as individuals.

Peaceful Library Book Renewal

There's nothing like the sense of peace I feel when I can renew a library book that I haven't finished yet.  When it gets down to the day the book is due and I'm not done, I will try to renew the book.  If I can't, I'll pull a Belle and power read through the book to finish it and return it on time.

I am still reading the book on insects and there is a lot of information to absorb.  There is talk of DNA and multiple species.  As such, I like to read a little bit, let it sink in, and think about how this information plays into the bigger picture.

I find that there are some books that are suspenseful reads.  These books are the kind of books you don't want to put down.  Dan Brown books fall into this category.  The Twilight series also comes to mind as being a very riveting set of novels.

However, there are also those books that are served better in small portions.  These are the books best to gradually read to obtain the most out of them.  Charles Dickens novels are sometimes more enjoyable to read in a gradual fashion.  In particular, I'm thinking of David Copperfield.  That book took me a very long time to read, but it was worth it when everything came together in the end.  Informational and self-help books also fall into this category of books for gradual reading.

As such, I am feeling very grateful that I don't have to power read through my library book today.  I will be able to focus on reading my textbooks and working on my homework instead.  Yay! A part of me is relieved and another part of me is thinking, "Drat!"  In any case, back to the homework trenches.

Alternative Answers to Questions on a Religious Flyer

When I'm on campus, sometimes they pass out flyers on various issues like vegetarianism and religion.  Mostly, I acquire flyers of the religious variety.  There was one in particular that I thought I could have fun with by writing about it on my blog.  This particular flyer is called "God's Answers To Man's Questions" and it was compiled by Charles Leiter to represent the views of the Lake Road Chapel in Missouri.  In this flyer, there are 15 questions bolded with answers under them from psalms, proverbs, and other reference types from the Bible.

Disclaimer: Now, before I come up with my own answers to these questions compiled by Charles Leiter, I would just like to say that I encourage people to believe whatever they want to believe.  I am open-minded and believe people should believe whatever makes them feel best inside to believe.

Question 1: "Aren't there many ways to God?"
I take the mentality of a mathematician.  As there are often many answers to a math problem, there are often many answers to the same conclusion.  That conclusion might be God.  That conclusion might be Evolution.  That conclusion might be energy scattered into the universe.  Nobody can say for sure what that conclusion is definitely until Judgment Day.

Question 2: "Did Jesus ever claim to be God?"
I wonder when I read this as to why this would even matter.  Jesus is a prominent figure in popular culture and he sounds pretty cool.  If he wanted to claim to be God, why not let him? Crazy people rant all kinds of things.  If people can back it up with proofs and theorems, let them try to prove it.  Debate enhances society discussion.

Question 3: "How do I know that Jesus is who He claims to be?"
Here's my mentality: If you see with your own eyes that someone has magical powers like the ability to walk on water or part the ocean, I think you shouldn't really question whether or not he's who he says he is or not.  I think you should probably just nod your head and play along regardless to preserve your own life.  This means that Criss Angel should also be respected and worshipped (and he's hot, so it's not a stretch).

Question 4: "Isn't the Bible just a bunch of myths?"
Most religions do have a mythical feel to them, but seeming mythical gives religion a sense of majesty.  Myths, fantasy, fairy tales, and science fiction make for awesome reading.  Who cares if it is a bunch of myths, if it is a good read?!! (I still intend to read the Bible one of these days.)

Question 5: "What about all the contradictions in the Bible?"
Life is full of contradictions.  People say they want some things and end up with different things.  In other words, people are hypocrites on occasion in what they say and do.  Why should we expect the Bible to not have contradictions?

Question 6: "Why is there so much suffering in the world?"
This question is based on a very pessimistic premise.  I'd like to think there are people out there who are very happy with their lives.  People suffer sometimes because they are afraid to be themselves.  People are afraid that they will not be accepted.  People do not want to be judged.  People look for others to love them or fill voids when all people would be happier if they learned to love themselves and not have to rely on other people.

Question 7: "What is the real purpose of life?"
The answer to this question is simple: to have babies.

Question 8: "Aren't all men basically good?"
Ha! Behavior is a learned trait, so all people have the potential to be good.

Question 9: "Won't my good works outweigh my bad works?"
Does anyone seriously tally up every good and bad thing they do in their lives? I don't.  I believe the important thing is to try to be a good person and do good things every once and awhile.  And if you decide to go bad, go big or don't bother.

Question 10: "Why did Christ die?"
Underneath all the magic and bravado, Christ was a mortal man.  If it makes you feel any better, he's immortally famous.

Question 11: "I don't really love Christ.  Isn't it all right to be neutral?"
No.  It's not alright.  Believe fully or not at all.  You disgust me.

Question 12: "What must I do to be saved?"
It's best to introduce yourself to the lifeguard, security guards, and many doctors at the local hospital.  These acquaintances will increase your likelihood of being saved.  Perhaps, a healthy set of lungs would help as well but that is iffy at best.

Question 13: "How do I know God will receive me?"
Make sure you get the right address written on the envelope.  As long as you're addressed correctly, the universal postal service will not fail you.

Question 14: "What is eternal life?"
Who cares about the eternal life? I'd rather find out the recipe for a happy fulfilling life than an eternal one.  There are some awesome works of philosophy out there about happiness that are quite enlightening.

Question 15: "How could I ever change?"
Change takes time, willpower, and work.  Educate yourself on your options, assess what you have on your plate, and decide what is the best option for you.  Set goals, meet those goals, and be diligent about it.  That is how you change yourself.

A Productive Weekend: Lots of Reading, Hemming, and Periwinkle

I had a really productive weekend this weekend.  On Saturday, I cleared out all the stuff in the Kia Sephia.  I sorted it and put it into bags.  Then, I cleaned the vinyl inside the car.  Lastly, I vacuumed the car floors including the trunk.  I remember cleaning the vinyl inside my Dodge Stratus when I first owned it.  I believe it says a lot about a person if they try to keep their car in presentable condition.  After I was done, I sat in the driver's seat and marveled at how nice it felt to sit in an uncluttered clean space.

I also worked on the mounds of homework I have due this week.  I accomplished a lot.  I did my logic design homework first because I'm always worried that if I put that class off, I'll lose it if I have to rush to finish an assignment.  For that assignment, I had to read the next chapter in my textbook.  It was a lot of stuff I was familiar with like rules of mathematics and whatnot.  However, binary math has some interesting theorems that wouldn't work in standard math with ten digits.  I'm quite fascinated by this new type of math.  It's a new adventure for me.  And I'm pretty positive that it will require some work to understand this new stuff.  Then, I finished reading chapter 2 in my programming textbook.  I took breaks in between reading.

I also read 8 books of the Odyssey and took 2 quizzes on it.  I was only assigned the first 4 for tomorrow, but I have to study lab safety tomorrow and I didn't want such a large reading commitment hanging over my head for Wednesday (when the next 4 would have been due).  I also had to do those trusty library research tutorials and take quizzes on those.  Even so, I will still have a lot to do this week for homework.

I also made a trip to the library to turn in 2 books I had just finished reading.  When I was there, I checked out another one that isn't due back until October.  I'm looking forward to reading it.  It is about insects.  I can channel Gil Grissom's fascination with bugs and try to take on a more profound dialogue about how little creatures teach us about greater things.  

Incidentally, I'm really excited for the upcoming season of CSI because of the addition of Ted Danson to the cast.  I can't wait to see how the new season unfolds!! I even think Nick Stokes (George Eads) will be getting more airtime and I love me some Nick.  This weekend, they finally aired the new episode of iCarly that I'd been waiting for since August.  I am glad for a weekly iCarly schedule again.  Making viewers wait months between episodes is cruel and unusual punishment.

Last week, I had tried Style Snaps from television and found them ineffective.  I was disappointed, but I was probably asking too much of them by using them on retro flare jeans.  In any case, this meant I would have to hem them.  I tried to hem them during the week, but I didn't really know how to hem.  I plowed into the task, but didn't hem them properly or even to my satisfaction.  Thus, this weekend, I perused the various online instructions on hemming pants.  I found a site with instructions for doing a French hem to preserve the authentic jean hem (website: http://www.sewcraftymeg.com/2009/05/hem-jeans-the-easy-way/).  It took me a few hours and I ended up doing an additional stitching instead of using hemming tape, but I managed to hem a pair of my retro flare jeans.  Yay me! 

I had to hem them up three inches.  I even managed to impress my mom with my hand stitching skills.  I could still iron and top stitch them, but the jeans are wearable.  At least, I'll finally get to wear them tomorrow.

I also took photos of my periwinkle plants and updated my Facebook album.  My periwinkle flowers are really cute.

This is my favorite picture I took.  This blossom is especially photogenic.

Book Review: Two Books On Mindfulness

I have just finished reading two books I had checked out from that wonderful heavenly place called the library.  Both of these books were about mindfulness and living in the moment.  The first book I read was Calming Your Anxious Mind (2003) by Jeffrey Brantley, MD.  The second book I read was The Mindful Woman (2008) by Sue Patton Thoele.  Both books held practices and meditations for relieving anxiety and being more present in our lives.  Calming Your Anxious Mind was the slightly shorter read of the two books.  However, I liked The Mindful Woman better for the examples I could relate to, the creative quotes incorporated into the material, and the thorough content.

If you're a lady, you can probably get away with reading The Mindful Woman.  Gentleman, on the other hand, would probably get razzed by their peers if these men were reading a book of this title.  As such, the men might have an obvious preference for reading Calming Your Anxious Mind.  Overall, both were informative and helped to broaden my perspective.

Time To Nerd It Up Another Magnitude

Well, here's the status of my mind at this point in my life.

First, I'll explain that I have a B.S. in Mathematics and a Chemistry minor.  I tried out graduate school for Civil Engineering in California, but things didn't work out.  I returned home and took a semester off.  Then, I started attending school at UNLV while trying out substitute teaching, dealing with medical problems from a surgery gone wrong, and supporting a loved one through cancer.  I was still up in the air when I went back to school to pursue a 2nd bachelor's degree.  Initially, I just wanted to make sure my brain still worked properly after the mental breakdown graduate school and health problems inflicted on me.

In any case, I logically thought that maybe pursuing a Civil Engineering bachelor's degree would be easier than pursuing a master's degree.  As such, I tried going in that direction, but I had my doubts about that.  Thus, I considered possibly going in the construction management direction.  So I took classes in both civil engineering and construction management to see if I could distinguish an obvious preference.  But then, I found that looking at the course lists for both majors indicated that Civil Engineering was preferred over Construction Management.  But I still had my doubts.

I kept going on the Civil Engineering route, but I still wasn't sure about it.  So I figured maybe I should pop over at the Career Center and take some tests on personality and interests.  I took the tests and what I found was quite shocking.  On the list of Least Popular Jobs for INTJ personality (my personality type), there in bold letters read Civil Engineering Technician.  That was an "Aha" moment for me.  It finally made sense as to why I never felt certain about pursuing civil engineering.  It was sitting there in print on a piece of paper.

I found through this personality test that I would do well in natural sciences and some engineering fields (just not civil).  I had taken another test about interests and found 5 of the jobs in my top interest list involved computers (Computer Systems Analyst, Software Developer, Technical Support Specialist, Computer Scientist, and Network Administrator).  The other jobs listed were more varied (Optometrist, Housekeeping/Maintenance Manager, Librarian, Medical Technologist, and Administrative Assistant).  Even so, the list opened my eyes up to possibilities that I had never considered before.  I also felt that those jobs would be well-suited to my interests.

Since Computer Science would cover most of those jobs on my top interest list, I'm trying out Computer Science classes this semester.  I really hope I like them.  So far, I already feel like these classes are better geared toward my strengths like math and logic.  As such, I feel pretty good about it.  I'm taking 2 computer classes, 2 labs, and two English classes.  

Also, I might tutor this semester and that would be awesome.  I always thought it would be efficient to get a job on campus.  It's always good when the opportunity presents itself to help others and save money on gas.

In some ways, it feels wrong to switch my academic direction after kicking the Civil Engineering horse to death.  And at times, I feel like a traitor for skulking off to take computer science courses without informing any sort of advisor of my plans.  Yet, this route is what is best for me at the moment.  I feel like this semester is an educated experiment.  I'm hoping it is an illuminating one and it will make me feel confident enough to talk to an advisor about it.  Until I'm sure of my strategy, I'd like to scope out the terrain before plowing forward cannons at the ready.

Given that my current plan is to pursue Computer Science and I've already got Math and Chemistry under my belt, I venture to say that I'm trying to achieve Nerd^3 status.  I'm definitely Nerd^2 already.  Therefore, it's time to nerd it up another magnitude.

Thoughts of the Village Loafer / Knowledge Seeker

I think I'm going to have to change up my routine.  I notice that I hold stress when I get stressed out and I think it really messes me up.  I tried to give up skin picking and now have reverted back to stress eating.  I notice that I usually have a nervous habit in order to handle the surplus of stress and anxiety I experience.  Most of the time, I find that they aren't good habits to take up.  However, I figure stress eating is better than the plethora of drug addictions out there.

I have been dabbling in meditation and yoga.  Perhaps, those habits would be better alternatives.  I probably would benefit from taking up the habit of exercise as well.  I'm 20 pounds over the weight I'd rather be.  Perhaps it's just me, but I think my metabolism slowed down this summer when I turned 25.  I noticed that I was weeding my garden for a week, which I thought would help me lose weight.  But I gained and the weight remains.  I worked at conventions thinking I'd lose weight from the walking and smaller meals, but the weight remains.

Sometimes, I wish I could just want something to happen and have it happen without having to change my lifestyle or put forth the effort.  In some ways, this seems like the wish of the village loafer.  I just find time and time again, that I have to work my keister off to do just about anything and everything.  Knowledge takes practice and hours of effort to obtain.  Those who say otherwise are probably not the real deal.  At least, work done right can give the doer some sense of satisfaction.  That's something for the knowledge seeker to revere in his or her quest.

In the end, all I can hope for is that all the work I put in will be worth it.  Maybe once enough education has accumulated in my brain, the use of the information will become second nature.  Then, it will be a matter of pride to complete work tasks and be able to show off all the stuff I can do.  Until that day, I stand by the notion that it's all about hard work and persistence.  Good thing I'm a mathematician.  Persistence is a mathematician's best friend, so we're well acquainted.

My Room Ate My Memory Card

I'm going to have to accept the fact that my room ate my memory card.  I have been meaning to post this essay I wrote about fishing in Utah.  Yet, I want to post pictures to go with it.  Those pictures are on an old memory card I used in my previous camera.  I used to keep that memory card on one of the shelves in my room.  Alas! I moved my furniture around to paint my room and the memory card is missing.  Thus, the logical conclusion is that my room ate it.

My room has probably held a grudge against me for years for keeping it such a mess.  The humble room sits there unable to do anything about how it looks.  Slowly, the disarray and clutter drives the room insane much like the brain of a disorganized thinker.  As such, the room had to develop a complex of some sort.  My theory is that the room must have chosen kleptomania.  

And what better item to steal than a memory card with tons of landscape photos.  The room absorbs these photos in happiness because the country has so many wide open spaces.  There is neither clutter nor disarray.  The room can experience some sense of peace at the acknowledgment that clean open spaces exist.  There is hope for order in this world.

Make no mistake.  I will clean my room.  It just makes it a little difficult with so many shelves that need to be emptied and furniture that needs to be moved.  I can totally relate to the space's conundrum.  When it is clean and painted, I'm sure I'll find my memory card.  There are other items I've lost that have been gone so long that I know I won't recover them.  As my room has hope for order, I have hope for finding what is lost and sharing it with others.

Recommendation To Read Fruits Basket

For the last couple days, I found myself obsessively reading this online manga called Fruits Basket.  I had been thinking about looking up this online manga for some time now because I watch the Fruits Basket anime series on a regular basis.  However, the anime series only went up to volume 26, which reaches approximately chapter 35 in the manga series.  I was quite astounded to find out that the online manga has 100 more chapters than the anime portrays.

In any case, it was completely worth the read.  The crazy antics that make the anime series hilarious continue throughout the manga.  I found myself so riveted that I would sit reading it for hours glued to my computer screen.  It is a very dramatic manga and the way the storylines were scattered all over the place made me want to keep reading it.  I would find myself wanting to just read the next chapter to see what happens from the cliffhanger ending of the previous one.  However, sometimes the next chapter was about another storyline.  As a result, I just kept reading.

The premise of this manga is based on the animals of the Chinese zodiac.  There is a rich family where 12 members are members of the aforementioned zodiac.  When these human members hug people of the opposite gender, they turn into the Chinese zodiac animal assigned to them.  There are a lot of incestuous relationships because the zodiac members can only be physically close to fellow members without transforming into animals.  As such, there is a lot of controversy and intrigue to keep the reader's attention.

As such, I recommend reading it if you enjoy reading dramatic storylines.  However, if you're obsessive about reading and feel anxious easily like I do, it is probably best to only start reading it when you have some time available to devote to it without pesky interruptions like work obligations, homework assignments, or social activities.  

I will also say that since manga are essentially Japanese comics and the online material uses mostly just black and white ink, reading in bulk can be hard on the eyes.  Staring at white page backgrounds and squinting to read inside smaller speech bubbles is not for the fainthearted or visually impaired.  Valiant readers such as myself will risk the eyestrain in the aims of enlightenment.  This series in particular spoke to me about getting through hardships and about the relief provided by those who accept other people for who they are.

Something I Envy About Men: The Baby Isn't Mine

I've decided to write about something funny today.

Over the years, men and women have been envious of certain aspects of the other gender's lifestyle.  Specifically, men have a fascination with boobs and wonder what it would be like to have their own set.  Women wonder what it's like to be able to stand up and pee.  The different things to envy is an extensive list and varies from person to person.  As such, I figured I'd share something I envy about men.

When I watch those Maury shows about paternity, it is shocking sometimes to see how the men on the show behave.  Some of the men are willing to step up and do the right thing by the mother.  However, a lot of the men act angry and yell about how the baby isn't his.  Watching the show as a woman, I often think the act of men saying something like that is despicable.  Yet, the reality of the situation is that men can say something like that.  Women can't.  I envy the ability of men to say the baby isn't his.

I mean, if I'm pregnant and far enough along for others to be able to tell, it's hard to pull off that line.
(Someone points inquisitively)
Me: What? Oh, This (points at stomach)? Oh, This isn't mine!
Someone: (Looks at you skeptically). Really? I just saw something move in there.
Me: Oh, no.  I just ate a cooked baby earlier Jonathan Swift-style and that's just a baby limb that is still floating around digesting.
Someone: (Laughing if they have a similar humor preference to myself)  
or (Scowling if they are moralistic about cannibalism).  I don't believe you.
Me: Well, that's too bad.  It's true.  I'll roast you up some awesome baby and invite you over for dinner next week.
Someone: (Laughing if they have a similar humor preference to myself)
or (Scowling if they are moralistic about cannibalism).  I still don't believe you.

Alas, it would just be hard to tell others that it isn't mine if I looked pregnant.  Sure, the girl could say, "I just gained weight."  Or perhaps, she could say, "I'm a surrogate mother. This REALLY isn't mine."  But essentially, if you look like you have a bun in the oven, you can't really say, "It isn't mine" and have people believe you.

Disclaimer: I don't really roast babies.  It's a joke. :)  I'm also not pregnant.  I just got the idea to write about this topic earlier and thought it might be funny.

Incidentally, recently I actually paid attention to the lyrics of "Billie Jean" from Michael Jackson and was amazed that the chorus is about paternity.  I knew all the words to the chorus and would sing along enthusiastically.  Now, I  have more awareness.  It makes me think about how music shapes the behavior and beliefs of society when people aren't always paying attention.

Today's Stranded Car Adventure

People have been so nice to me today.  My car died on me on my way home from school earlier this afternoon.  I had just gassed it up.  After I gassed it up, I stopped in at McDonald's in the same area to get myself something to drink.  I was debating over what to get to keep me until I got home.  I considered getting a smoothie, but I saw the sweet tea was only a dollar.  I think my dad's frugal nature makes me choose the cheapest options whenever possible.  That same nature usually makes me opt out of getting anything and just driving home.  Yet, my intuition said to park and pick up a drink after fueling up my car.  So I listened and strangely enough, I ended up having that nice tea to drink while waiting to be rescued.

In any case, I turned into the left lane and didn't get very far before my car died.  Coincidentally, a girl I knew with some kids in a stroller happened upon the median where I was stranded.  We had a short conversation and she asked me about the recent Magic convention that I had just worked at last week.  Luckily, a chivalrous man offered to push my car into the residential area that happened to be right next to where I broke down.  He even helped me turn the steering wheel before pushing the car across the three lanes of traffic into the residential area.  There had been a child in his car when he stopped to help me.  That child helped him push the car as well.  Once it was in the residential area, I yelled, "Thank you" and coasted on the slant of the road in the residential area to get farther into the area.  Thank you, Gravity.

Then, I parked my car, put on my flashers, raised the car hood, and sat on the sidewalk in the shade drinking a bottle of water I had grabbed earlier from campus on a whim that "it is always good to have water in the desert just in case" and also drinking my McDonald's sweet tea I had literally just purchased before having my car break down.  While sitting there, an older man offered to call his mechanic if I ended up waiting there too long.  A younger man came out of his apartment and offered me a bottle of water.  Since I had one already, I turned down the water he offered and thanked him for his kindness.  Three other men offered me their assistance, but I assured them that my father was on his way.  I waited for my dad to arrive.  When he got there, I explained what the gauges did and how the car made a noise before it died (last words if you will).  He looked under the hood, had me try to start it, and then took me home.

We went back later to fetch the car.  I helped him push the car to face in the other direction while Mom steered it while in neutral.  Then, my dad hooked up the tow rope connecting my car to his van.  He steered and did the brakes in my car while my mom drove the van to tow the car home.  It's fortunate that they are professionals at this sort of thing.  I'm glad that I could assist in the operation even a little bit.  I'm used to helping when pushing cars home without tow ropes and with other cars.  This was an interesting experience.  I was surprised that the operation went so smoothly.  Roping cars together seems old-fashioned to me, but it works.  That is a testament to the talents of my parents.

I'm relieved that the car is back home.  In the end, I'm really happy that so many kind strangers were willing to help me.  I didn't even look skanky or anything.  In fact, I was very conservatively attired for such a hot day.  Perhaps there is hope for the world if there are still nice people out there.

Plea for the Preservation of the Imagination

Plea for the Preservation of the Imagination: 
Who wants to live without an active imagination? There are so many extraordinary ideas that come from the human imagination.  Must we turn our backs on it to survive and face reality?
We must defend the human imagination against the tyranny of reality.  In the end, it will be imaginations working together that will save us from the various disasters that strike the planet.  When the oil runs out, it will be alternative energy technologies that started out as ideas in the imaginations of engineers.  When the sun dies, it will be the imaginations of the space experts that will relocate the human race to another planet or demoted planet (poor Pluto).  When the resources run out or times are tough, it is the imaginations of writers (many of them brilliant, revered, and dead) that will give people affordable vacations from reality so they don't blow their brains out.  If nothing else can be preserved for the future, let that one thing be the imagination with it's creativity, adaptability, and genius.

The Humble Killer Who Really Wanted To Be An Artist

            There once was a man who lived in a rather strange building.  He lived on the ground floor of this black wooden house.  The house itself was 3 stories, but his apartment had the entire height of the 3 stories.  The reason for this was that he used his apartment as his workspace.  He had been “discovered” by this creepy-looking sorcerer who had shoulder-length blond hair and a bald top of head.  In this way, he looked like the Crypt Keeper and Hulk Hogan made a baby and this was the man this baby became.

            This sorcerer would come over for 3 hours everyday.  His apprentice, the man mentioned earlier, looked very different in comparison with the Sorcerer.  He was a brunette who could have been mistaken as an All-American football player with his charming lady-killer smile at the start of the training.  As time wore on, he grew leaner and he let his hair grow longer to shoulder-length.  He never ended up balding on the top of his head (Thank God), but there was something peculiar about his manner.  It wasn’t really describable in an obvious way, but it seemed he gave off an air of restless sorrow.

            Inside this strange man’s apartment, he had an office in the left corner.  When you walked into his apartment, you were struck by the oddness of the shed-like greenhouse within a house as an office.  The front walls of this office were see-through like a greenhouse.  There was no door, so the middle doorway of the office stood open for anyone to see its contents.  In the center of the office, a rigid wooden ladder hung vertically leading up to a wooden door on the office roof.  The office roof was made of a dark brown wood and it slanted forward and downward towards the inhabitant entering his apartment.

            The reason this man was able to have his own apartment outright was because he came from a rich family called the Starlarkovs.  He took the allowance from his family to keep up his living expenses and he would do odd jobs for the sorcerer training him to make extra money.  Specifically, the Sorcerer taught this man, Evan, how to fly and use outer forces for assassinations.

            Every once and awhile, the Sorcerer would bring political figures to Evan’s apartment, leave them, and indicate that the person he left needed to be killed by winking at Evan.  In the beginning, Evan used to look uncomfortable after seeing the wink.  But after a decade, he managed to keep a straight face and calmly watch the Sorcerer leave.

            When the Sorcerer left, Evan would make conversation.  Just as the walking dead person was about to leave, he would tell a joke or sometimes multiple jokes for a tough customer.  Evan felt it was good-natured to help someone laugh before they died.  At the height of the visitor’s laughter, he would abruptly grab their throat and fly straight into the ceiling at a force of great magnitude.  Since he made sure the visitor’s head hit the ceiling at an angle, the person’s neck would snap instantaneously.  Often, it was so unexpected, that the visitor was still laughing as they breathed their last breath.

            After the kill, Evan would just lay the body in the middle of the floor.  He would straighten out the arms, legs, and body.  Evan did this so when rigor set in, it would be easy for the Sorcerer to put the body into a bag and lug it away over his shoulder.  The Sorcerer would always say as he left, “You’re so efficient, Evan.  That’s why I value you so much as my pupil.”

            Even though, the Sorcerer trained Evan to kill people, Evan used his skills to practice other eccentricities.  Evan had always wanted to be an artist.  Specifically, he would carve and paint wooden dolls.  He had trouble with inspiration sometimes, so he developed a ritual.  On days he was an artist, he would climb up to the top of his office roof, sit, and work.  He installed a wooden shelf to his apartment wall above his office space to hold the supplies he needed for carving and painting.  Since he had mastered forces, he was able to sit up there in balance for an infinite amount of time.

            On days when he felt he was done with a piece, he would hire a butler to assist him.  He would drop his doll from the office roof and watch it fall along the right side of his office wall.  It was a 15-foot drop.  The doll would land and often roll away a little.  Then, Evan would step off the office roof to follow the doll.  Evan would use the forces along the wall to maintain his uprightness.  Then, Evan would collapse onto the floor.  His teeth would transform into the teeth of a nutcracker.  Then, the butler would place the dropped doll next to Evan within his eyesight.  Then, Evan would repair any cracks, pass out, and reawaken back to normal.

            The butler who would assist Evan always thought it was an unusual work day, but he justified it with the knowledge that some rich people are just eccentric.  It was not his job to judge his employers.  Furthermore, the source of these stories of artistic ritual was not this butler.  This butler was rather loyal and dignified.  He would neither confirm nor deny any detail asked of him.  The source of these stories was Evans’ only son, a boy who caught a glimpse of his father’s rituals every once and awhile when he was dropped off for a visit.  He never saw the assassinations because he only saw his father one weekend a month.

            His son only found out about the assassinations through a confessional letter arranged to be given to his mother upon Evan’s death.  She figured that the letter was going to be more generic, so just gave it to her son without reading it.  That was her mistake, but the boy just absorbed the information without relaying the contents to her.

            Evan’s boy was not really too shocked by any of it.  He picked up on the strange air of his father and had just accepted there was something weird about him from the beginning.  He was just happy to have been brought up mostly by his mother in a stable home.  The one thing he would miss about his father, Evan, were the amazingly funny jokes he could come up with on any topic.

            That skill was something to admire.  His son often wondered if his father would spend the time between visits coming up with new material.  Now, he knew there was a deeper purpose to being an efficient comedian.  And in some sense, he felt some pride for having a considerate hitman as a father.  Anyone could have respect for the dead.  Having respect for the living and having the consideration for others to give them a quick painfree end are not qualities seen in many ordinary people or even killers, respectively.

            As far as he knew, he didn’t have his father’s gift for magic.  Thus, this information would not affect his life.  At least, he could live on happier knowing that “Uncle Vladimir” was just a creepy sorcerer and not related to him by blood.  Vladimir used to joke with him about his soon-to-have receding hairline, he would notice his father rolling his eyes, and he would have nightmares.  Without this sense of impending baldness, he felt better about the future outlook of his hair because he would have more than he anticipated.

Stop The Noise: The Show Cannot Go On Effectively In Discord

There have been some times in my life where I've experienced cognitive dissonance: that acknowledgment of an event that does not fall in line with your own beliefs about life and the people in it.

The problem with cognitive dissonance is that it cannot be erased.  Once that event has shattered your belief, you cannot simply glue the pieces back together and start over.  You wanted to stay happily living in the illusion. You wanted to believe in fairy tales.  You wanted to believe the one you loved really loves you back, even if he won't admit it.

Cognitive dissonance, in my experience, often brings sorrow.  Realizing that Disney fairy tales are not reality is devastating to a child.  Realizing that villains are everywhere is not pleasant.  The fact that these villains will show up without a hero in tow is very inconsiderate.  Realizing that the Prince is not going to put the glass slipper on your foot is disappointing.  You sit there and watch as he rides off with another girl (perhaps you want to throw some rocks at the carriage because you're mad, but you don't because that would be wrong).

The way I describe cognitive dissonance with respect to feelings of love involves sounds.  Up in the mind, I am screaming in anger, frustration, and confusion because logic tells me words and inconsistent actions do not make sense.  This scream is also fueled by the frustration that I cannot control the actions or feelings of other people.  Within the same body, sits the heart.  I try to think mean hateful things in my mind about the party in question.  Yet, the heart yearns for the love it still desires.  It is crying out for the love it wants.  The sound waves of the mind scream and the sound waves of the love cry meet in the middle at my throat.  This makes me want to speak, to release the stress of two incompatible sounds coming together.

These sound waves do not work in harmony.  Once I'm in contact with the source of the discord, the sounds start full blast.  I tried to distract myself with tasks.  I cleaned my room and moved furniture.  I tried to meditate to calm my nerves.  I tried to exercise and go for a walk.  None of that worked to return me to a state of acceptance.  As such, the only thing I could do to stop the noise was stop talking to the source of the sounds.

For a time, I believed taking this step was weak and I judged myself harshly for it.  Yet, given the cognitive dissonance I feel, it is a wise decision.  The show must go on and it cannot go on effectively in discord.

In time, it is possible that I will be better able to handle the noise of my feelings.  But as it stands, I must do what will promote my survival and efficiency.  Without peace of mind, I will die.  The noises will combine and I will shatter like a beautiful stain glass window.  I do not want to break over and over again.  It is insanity to believe things will be different if I continue along the same course I have followed.

How Much Should We Share; All Writing Is Personal

Often, I find myself wondering: How much information is too much to share with other people via the Internet or through general conversation?

I mean, I have to share some information with strangers to make friends (because every friend started out as a stranger).  Should I just stick with basic information like what classes I'm taking, how many sisters and brothers I have, or general subjects like movies, books, and what is going on in the world?

There are some people out there who take the "let it ride" attitude about conversation and Internet postings.  They express everything they are feeling so the whole world has access to it.  Some people express so freely that they do not take consideration for offending others or for the effect such expression could have on their reputation.

I find that I will read through some of the stuff I've written while considering whether or not to post it to make sure it will not offend people who are close to me.  I find that I will sometimes elect not to post something because I think it is too personal or think it might offend someone.  Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being too polite or being too critical of myself.

The only problem with that is I believe that everything a person writes shows their personality.  As such, isn't everything I write personal? Thus, if I'm worried about posting stuff that is too personal, I probably should not be posting anything at all.

Yet, I love to write and some of my opinions seem brilliant to me.  Therefore, I will continue to blog.  I will also continue to screen what I post.  I believe personal experiences can enhance writing, but it is not worth it to ruin another person's reputation or lose a valued friendship in the process.

That being said, I may slip up every now and then.  I'm only human (well, sometimes I insist I'm immortal and have magical brain waves, so perhaps crazy genius human applies).  In any case, I apologize in advance for offenses you may experience while reading my writing.  I won't apologize for shock though, because I enjoy using shock to get readers to pay attention.  I also sometimes like to write about stuff that makes readers uncomfortable, so they will want to keep reading in hopes of a resolution (Whether or not, I actually give the audience what it wants is on a case by case basis.).  I assure you that I aim to make a statement and make people think.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Sorry that I haven't been writing as of late.  I've been rather busy lately.  I took my brother up to Utah with my mom so he could go to college on Wednesday and Thursday.  My mom and I drove home on Friday.  Now, I'm working at a convention this week.  So, I've been swamped and haven't had the time to devote to my blog.

I figure that it is good to take the time to be productive outside of the technology marvel that is the Internet.  It reminds me of that commercial with the girl sitting in front of her laptop talking about how she was glad she had convinced her parents to join Facebook.  She started talking about her large number of friends, while the commercial showed her parents doing sports outdoors.  The girl was saying having a lot of Facebook friends was the same as having a life, while her parents were doing healthy exercise (having real lives).  As such, the moral of the story is: It is good to get outdoors and have an adventure every once and awhile.  Appreciating nature can do wonders for the soul.

Do not fret.  For I will soon have time to devote to a marvelous entry: probably around Thursday or Friday.  Until then, I'm afraid I must leave you in suspense.

What Is In Store For My Blog's Future

I just wanted to let you know that there are some interesting posts that I will be adding in the future.  I recently jotted down a story this week.  I need to go through it this week and edit it a little bit before I post it.

I was mainly trying to write down the content of the dream I had so I wouldn't forget it.  As such, I need to do some organization.  I'm also not sure if I'm going with just a single short story or if I'm going to keep it open to turn it into a series and possibly a book.  We'll see what develops there.

I also have been taking an English class over the summer.  As soon as that is over, I'm allowed to post my papers on here.  I was an overachiever (no surprise there) and I decided to write two personal diagnostic essays instead of one.  I chose one to turn in for class, but the other one would probably have a stronger impact. As such, I am thinking about posting those essays in particular.  I may revise them a little bit and might attempt to post pictures I took with one of them.  I love landscape photos.  I feel that pictures can enhance a story if they are chosen carefully.

So that is what is in the works for my blog's future.