I've been surfing the Internet again, looking for answers. My question has been: how to get rid of floaters? I don't much care for them. Yet, the answers to this question are interesting and I thought I might be able to spin something interesting out of it. Plus, I thought of some other answers that weren't listed...satirical in nature, of course. So I thought I might elaborate on the subject...
How to Kill Eye Floaters
1. Gaze at the moon for 5 minutes every night
Commentary: This option, while fascinating for the avid stargazer and hopeless romantic, might not be feasible in all locations. The truth of the matter is that some places are cloudier than other. While the moon rises every night, there are pesky obstructions brought on by nature that hinder the moon's visual glory. Another problem is that the size and shape of the moon vary over the course of the month. Thus, optimal gazing is hindered on nights that the moon is merely the Cheshire Cat smile-size or thumbnail-size versus Wheel of Cheese-size. And in case you were wondering, I do have a screen saver of the full moon on my laptop...because it doesn't hurt to try something crazy (in case, I'll be deluded enough to believe it works one day).
2. Ignore them and they will go away
Commentary: This option, although fascinating based on idea of self-brainwashing, might not be possible for someone who uses their eyes a lot for reading. Let's face it...most pages in books are white with black letters on them. So if a bug flies in front of the reader's face, the reader will notice...at least, I would, and that's what floaters look like (bugs)...so how am I supposed to ignore them? It's not like I stop living because floaters invade my visual realm, but ignoring them likely isn't the answer. It hasn't worked yet (as in I still notice them), but I'll keep trying.
3. Oedipus-style: Gouging out one's eyes
Commentary: This option, although completely effective at removing the possibilities of seeing floaters, is rather sacrificial because one loses one's ability to see things that are desirable to see (i.e. celebrity eye candy, men in uniform, priceless landscapes, words on the pages of books). Hence, although gouging out eyes has an alluring gore factor to it, it really isn't worth it until you've done something so heinous that sight loss is warranted. Sorry, Oedipus, you're going that route alone (as in, the route of gouging out one's eyes...in death, your daughter Antigone will join you later...and people all have to walk that line (death/judgment/energy transfer) someday).
4. Eye drops
Commentary: This option, although interestingly simple with respect to targeting the source of the floaters, is an option that might not work if one is squeamish about putting stuff in their eyes (like Rachel in Friends in that one episode). I'm squeamish about putting stuff in my eyes. Yet, this option might be worth attempting if floaters are being caused by dry eyes and not migraines. Migraine-sufferers beware! It might be propaganda in aims for Ben Stein and Visine to collect money.
5. Age backwards
Commentary: This option, while interesting for the aspiring time traveler, might require superior knowledge in astrophysics. Perhaps a gifted mind watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button could have been inspired to look into making this possibility a reality. The basic idea would be to age backwards to a time when floaters weren't a problem for the individual and suspend this age indefinitely. Perhaps if that age could not be suspended, the person might consider the adventure of cryogenically-freezing themselves. It is a revolutionary idea and might work for those seeing floaters because of the natural aging process and not so much for a person seeing them because of migraines.
There are likely more methods like seeing a neurologist and taking drugs in aims of killing floaters. Yet, the first three methods I mention are completely free and free help is the best kind of help. I might add more to this post, but I figure I'll let it stand for now.
Please note that I do not recommend gauging out one's eyes to avoid the blasphemy of floaters. I just enjoyed the literary allusions to Oedipus and Antigone. And I'm also sure that Ben Stein is so economically knowledgeable, he doesn't need to rely on Visine customers for his financial livelihood. That man knows how to make money!!
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