Something I Envy About Men: The Baby Isn't Mine

I've decided to write about something funny today.

Over the years, men and women have been envious of certain aspects of the other gender's lifestyle.  Specifically, men have a fascination with boobs and wonder what it would be like to have their own set.  Women wonder what it's like to be able to stand up and pee.  The different things to envy is an extensive list and varies from person to person.  As such, I figured I'd share something I envy about men.

When I watch those Maury shows about paternity, it is shocking sometimes to see how the men on the show behave.  Some of the men are willing to step up and do the right thing by the mother.  However, a lot of the men act angry and yell about how the baby isn't his.  Watching the show as a woman, I often think the act of men saying something like that is despicable.  Yet, the reality of the situation is that men can say something like that.  Women can't.  I envy the ability of men to say the baby isn't his.

I mean, if I'm pregnant and far enough along for others to be able to tell, it's hard to pull off that line.
(Someone points inquisitively)
Me: What? Oh, This (points at stomach)? Oh, This isn't mine!
Someone: (Looks at you skeptically). Really? I just saw something move in there.
Me: Oh, no.  I just ate a cooked baby earlier Jonathan Swift-style and that's just a baby limb that is still floating around digesting.
Someone: (Laughing if they have a similar humor preference to myself)  
or (Scowling if they are moralistic about cannibalism).  I don't believe you.
Me: Well, that's too bad.  It's true.  I'll roast you up some awesome baby and invite you over for dinner next week.
Someone: (Laughing if they have a similar humor preference to myself)
or (Scowling if they are moralistic about cannibalism).  I still don't believe you.

Alas, it would just be hard to tell others that it isn't mine if I looked pregnant.  Sure, the girl could say, "I just gained weight."  Or perhaps, she could say, "I'm a surrogate mother. This REALLY isn't mine."  But essentially, if you look like you have a bun in the oven, you can't really say, "It isn't mine" and have people believe you.

Disclaimer: I don't really roast babies.  It's a joke. :)  I'm also not pregnant.  I just got the idea to write about this topic earlier and thought it might be funny.

Incidentally, recently I actually paid attention to the lyrics of "Billie Jean" from Michael Jackson and was amazed that the chorus is about paternity.  I knew all the words to the chorus and would sing along enthusiastically.  Now, I  have more awareness.  It makes me think about how music shapes the behavior and beliefs of society when people aren't always paying attention.