There have been some times in my life where I've experienced cognitive dissonance: that acknowledgment of an event that does not fall in line with your own beliefs about life and the people in it.
The problem with cognitive dissonance is that it cannot be erased. Once that event has shattered your belief, you cannot simply glue the pieces back together and start over. You wanted to stay happily living in the illusion. You wanted to believe in fairy tales. You wanted to believe the one you loved really loves you back, even if he won't admit it.
Cognitive dissonance, in my experience, often brings sorrow. Realizing that Disney fairy tales are not reality is devastating to a child. Realizing that villains are everywhere is not pleasant. The fact that these villains will show up without a hero in tow is very inconsiderate. Realizing that the Prince is not going to put the glass slipper on your foot is disappointing. You sit there and watch as he rides off with another girl (perhaps you want to throw some rocks at the carriage because you're mad, but you don't because that would be wrong).
The way I describe cognitive dissonance with respect to feelings of love involves sounds. Up in the mind, I am screaming in anger, frustration, and confusion because logic tells me words and inconsistent actions do not make sense. This scream is also fueled by the frustration that I cannot control the actions or feelings of other people. Within the same body, sits the heart. I try to think mean hateful things in my mind about the party in question. Yet, the heart yearns for the love it still desires. It is crying out for the love it wants. The sound waves of the mind scream and the sound waves of the love cry meet in the middle at my throat. This makes me want to speak, to release the stress of two incompatible sounds coming together.
These sound waves do not work in harmony. Once I'm in contact with the source of the discord, the sounds start full blast. I tried to distract myself with tasks. I cleaned my room and moved furniture. I tried to meditate to calm my nerves. I tried to exercise and go for a walk. None of that worked to return me to a state of acceptance. As such, the only thing I could do to stop the noise was stop talking to the source of the sounds.
For a time, I believed taking this step was weak and I judged myself harshly for it. Yet, given the cognitive dissonance I feel, it is a wise decision. The show must go on and it cannot go on effectively in discord.
In time, it is possible that I will be better able to handle the noise of my feelings. But as it stands, I must do what will promote my survival and efficiency. Without peace of mind, I will die. The noises will combine and I will shatter like a beautiful stain glass window. I do not want to break over and over again. It is insanity to believe things will be different if I continue along the same course I have followed.
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