I'm starting to think I'm broken. I noticed back during the last half of my first round of undergraduate education that I would get really stressed out by my schoolwork. And when I got stressed out about my schoolwork, I'd have health issues ranging from unexplained muscular pain, to migraines, and to digestive upset.
As the years have gone on, I keep noticing this continual pattern. I'll try a challenging class that requires me to put a lot of work into it and my health will go sour. I've noticed for a few of these classes, I even try to work on my work and can't because my mind goes blank on multiple occasions. I keep trying, and trying, and trying. But my brain feels fried. Sometimes it feels like my brain is processing so hard that smoke could literally come out of my ears. It wouldn't even surprise me if my head exploded one of these days.
It feels like a no-win situation. When I work as hard as I need to in order to do well in these classes, I run myself into the ground. When I try not to get as stressed out about it, I fail them and my health isn't as bad. Yet, failure is never desirable.
I keep wondering if all of the turmoil I'm going through is worth it. I keep wondering if my brain is done. I dream about going back to high school when I'm already finished with high school and I end up taking classes. It seems like my subconscious is trying to tell me that this college-going is ridiculous.
I mean, I can't say this brain freezing has only happened once or twice. It keeps happening over and over again. I notice that when I'm not in school, I'm less stressed out. But it's not like there's a choice these days: Young people have to be full-time students or else face the wrath of looming loan payments. The only way to keep all the loans at bay is to stay in school and suffer through the carnage of brain death.
In any case, I keep wondering what I'm supposed to do when my brain goes on strike. I can't force it to work if it's being stubborn (at least, not on classwork...seems to be blogging just fine). All I can do is try to do the best I can. Perhaps, it would be in my best interest to job hunt more frequently and try to find a way out of The Big University (aka Prison). But I'm not sure if I'm ready to break out of Alcatraz just yet.
I'll just keep thinking about these things and notice the patterns. I'd like to be happy and I get the impression that school stress is hindering my health and my chances at happiness. Thus, I often consider quitting for my sanity. Yet, I have yet to do so completely. I would like to have a contingency plan in place first before I jump the scholarly ship. It's rarely good to quit anything before you have something else lined up, despite the allure of freedom.
No comments:
Post a Comment