I have come to the realization that disappointing my extended family terrifies me. June has just started and right before it became June, I found myself sending out a ton of resumes and applying to jobs. The sad part about it is that this sudden need to desperately find a job was initiated by the terror of knowing that my extended family would rip me a new one if I attend an upcoming family bridal shower without one.
I'm currently trying to work out a final requirement for graduation and the lack of knowing what tasks or commitments will be expected from me this summer has created a lot of uncertainty. I am limited for job seeking due to the lack of availability awareness. I'm also limited in what I can say on my resume because I should have graduated in May, but without meeting this final requirement, I might have to extend the graduation date I report on my resume and on future job applications. As such, a job hunt that would have been easier with known certifications has become more complicated.
I don't think family should be judgmental towards one another. Being judgmental is not conducive with love. To truly love someone else, we must accept them and love them for who they are. Judging others is not even what mere mortals should do. The only person who knows all the wise and unwise things we have done is each individual and possibly the universal consciousness. Whether these things were good or bad, right or wrong, and what the overall tally is is usually complicated. Logic sometimes is not one absolute versus another absolute. Often, it is hard to decide what is the best option and sometimes the benefits do not equal the consequences. Sometimes we do not know all of the parameters making up a paradigm.
All I know for sure is that it is wrong that I feel like being around my extended family is the same as being blindfolded in front of a firing squad. I understand that I haven't figured out my life yet. I understand that I should be working and paying my own way. I understand that lenders harassing my 83-year old grandmother and father most of the year for my past loans is wrong. I understand that my not having a job yet after what should have been my graduation is not ideal. I understand that not having a job in a family of workaholics means I'm scum to them. I realize that they may think I'm a waste of oxygen if I'm not being productive. I understand all of this. I have a brutal inner critic that is twice the bully that anyone else can be, but it hurts me even more when my inner bully has friends to root her on for my own mental collapse.
Why can't our loved ones be supportive?! I believe that if people were nicer to one another, we would be much more successful as a species. Furthermore, we all know who the supportive people are in our lives and these people are valued much higher than any of the others. Everybody wants to be accepted and treated as if they are worth something (even while they are going through a rough patch, even while they are in a mediocre job or are unemployed, even while they are losing their minds, even when they are different from most people, even when they have reached the absolute bottom of life's well of despair). We want to be heard, respected, valued, and treated like everyone deserves to be treated (courteously and as equals as fellow human beings).
I keep hoping the world will change and become a better place. However, it seems like the world stays mostly the same regardless of what initiatives are started in aims of exterminating bad practices by people towards other people. Sometimes, there are glimmers of hope and signs that all human beings are not morally bankrupt. We all cheer inside when someone out there does the right thing in a tough situation. I wish it happened more often.
I will keep dreaming about a better kinder world, while I avoid the haters in the trenches and only leave them covered with armor made of sarcasm for short journeys to different trenches. That's what life is: moving from one trench to another, hoping to survive long enough to find a trench worth fortifying and a treasure worth protecting. A treasure can be values, people, real estate, intellect, and anything else that matters to an individual enough to merit protecting from corruption.
No comments:
Post a Comment